It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always been worth it
At first when most people meet me, I can be a bit quiet and reserved in a way that has been described before as cautious. This particular label isn’t always positive or negative, but it also isn’t the number one trait I wish to project.
I am cautious. When you compare me to most other college students, I am certainly risk averse. In some ways it’s good, it makes it easy to say no to peer pressure and activities I don’t want to participate in, but it also makes me back out of things I would love to do, but am too nervous to act on. This cautiousness in my nature however, has a specific origin. As a child, I had epilepsy. I, and especially my parents, lived in perpetual fear of triggering seizures. From an early age, I was constantly told what things I had to avoid, to “be careful.” I had to avoid adrenaline rushes, flashing lights and anything that could overwhelming my senses. This meant a lot of no’s. No videogames, no laser-shows, no concerts with strobe lights, no, no, no… I couldn’t even sleep over at a friend’s house without my pillbox because I had to take so much medication every night and every morning. My parents and my doctors quite literally conditioned me to be extra cautious.
Thankfully, I grew out of my epilepsy. The seizures stopped and eventually I was given the all clear. My parents bought me the Nintendo system that I always wanted that next Christmas, and all the sudden, I could do everything. There were however some lasting effects. Child epilepsy often leaves its victims with high anxiety. Even though I am now at very low risk for seizures, it doesn’t mean that the things that used to trigger seizures don’t cause me anxiety. I am easily overwhelmed by things that others find trivial. Still, I have overcome many of these fears. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always been worth it. For a long time, strobe lights at concerts caused me major stress. I still don’t love them, but I do love live music and I’ve learned to calm myself down so that I can now enjoy live shows. There are so many other little battles with fear that I have fought. These triumphs might seem trivial to others, but to me they are glaciers that I have scaled. I have overcome many fears and I’m still working on many more. While I don’t think anyone will ever call me fearless, I wish that people could see me as tenacious.
