I’d like to step away from that

When people look at me, my initial thought is that they see a black man. I feel like I look a lot older than I am, too. I think that they look at how I dress, which I guess you can pick up something from that, but the main things people probably see are my age, race, and ethnicity. I think that others can pick up some personality traits from looking at me, but it depends on how I look in that moment. If I’m focused, or tired, or just going through it, I can probably have an emotionless face or look upset, even if that’s not really the case. If I’m in a better mood, I can be loud and boisterous, which is not bad, but that can definitely influence how people think of me. I don’t necessarily have a desire for how people view me. If I had a dialogue box above my head where you could see my true character traits, I would like that, but otherwise I don’t have a preference. I think that it doesn’t matter all that much, people will see what they want to see just based on their idea of others.

I think that, like everyone else in our culture, I want to be seen as an individual, just based on that our culture emphasizes what we are as people and not what group we fit with or belong to. So, I do want people to see me as an individual, as a person, something that is singular and one, but I also understand putting people into groups. It makes things easier, just an initial means of categorizing the people we interact with, and as you get to know them, you can put them into or take them out of other groups. If I’m interacting with someone during a normal day-to-day interaction and I’ll never see them again, that’s fine, they can throw me into a group. If it’s someone that I’ve gotten to know and we have some sort of relationship, something deeper, then I do want to stick out since I have meaning to that person now.

None of this was really apparent to me when I was younger, until I had gotten into high school. After I experienced a couple of things that were based on race and my ethnicity, it made me realize that there was something that I was being placed into, something I’m being defined by, and I had to become more aware of that. Initially, it didn’t really matter to me. I didn’t know myself, but I knew that I was a person, an individual, but as I grew older, I realized what I was placed into categories. I think that as I grow older, I want to downplay the category of race I’m placed in. In my experience, race brings about no good, just bad. It’s just a means of power, to hold power over a certain group. I’d like to step away from that and move towards ethnicity and culture as a category for myself. I think that would be something to focus on more since there are a lot of things with culture that I can say, that I am French Canadian, I am American African. There is a culture that holds to those things. And while these are large groups, there are things that I can take from that and learn from, and things that others can learn from too. There are also things based upon sex and gender. Finding out where I stand and fit into things can help me find where I should place more emphasis onto in the long run.

Being at SPU has allowed me to become more aware of the society that we live in, it’s points of contention and disconnect, and the differences that bring about horrible consequences based on race. I’ve been able to find my place and realize that I need to uphold certain values and certain cultures that, while they may not be something that I love, they are something that I am. I don’t love it because of what I have been told is wrong with my culture and wrong with me due to Euro-centric teaching that I’ve experienced since I was young. It feels like I have to relearn how to love myself and be okay with myself, but also how to step outside of myself and go against the grain. It’s something that Black people have been doing for a long time, so it’s just a matter of pushing it forward. I wish that people were more socially aware of race issues, taking things into our own hands instead of just having the stance of being merciful and graceful, allowing God to do the work for us since it seems like that’s gotten us to the point where we’re at now.

I fear not finding worth in the world, not contributing in a way in which I have an impact. In a sense, I fear being worthless, not finding my niche in the world in which I can do my best at something. I want to reach a point in my work in which my family can be comfortable. Not just people who are related to me through blood, but friends, people who I have become close with, to make sure that they’re good and that they have support. I want the work that I do to make a difference for others.