Then hopefully the world is better for it
People did not believe me. I couldn’t go to school, couldn’t get out of bed. There was no official diagnosis. “Oh what’s wrong with you?” people said. At one point the doctor said “There is nothing wrong with you”. It was a really hard time of feeling accused of things I couldn’t control. I couldn’t do the things I used to do. The defining markers of who I was were completely changing. So I decided to apply to be on a mental health board at the Denver Hospital. Looking back, I would not be where I am, have the same passions or be in the same major if it wasn’t for that. Now I am able to empathize with people who say they are one way but people don’t believe them. I can remember this as an exact date marker because from then on out I was different. I definitely wouldn’t change it even though it was the hardest thing I have gone through.
When I was 4, I would hold my breath when I didn’t get what I want. So I have a stubbornness that people might not pick up on. Not in the definition that people think of as being “set in your ways”, but just in that I stick up for what I think. I’m someone who won’t let things happen if I don’t think they’re right. I try to have a dialogue with someone if something isn’t right. I’m an action person. I do something about it. I think people see me as a peacemaker. I don’t like when people get mad. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t think that fighting about things will help the situation. There is a worthwhile approach to change. If I don’t feel like it will have that impact, then I won’t do it. It makes it hard because I’m so logical in my head. I say “Have you considered this?” because I think finding middle ground is important. I’m kind of an initiator of sharing of feelings. People aren’t as used to it here because of the city environment. I like doing the little things for people. People think that having a deep conversation with me isn’t always as helpful. I get so many comments like “You smile too much”. They’re always trying to come to conclusions. I also think people label me as so nice that they can’t be themselves around me. I feel people think they have to put their best foot forward. I want to be able to level with people instead. I like being around people where I’m like “I want to be like you”. Where I can be myself but also where I’m held to a standard of being kind. People have harder conversations with me. But also they think “Oh she’s so nice so I don’t want to bring this up to her”.
Vulnerability is important to be who you are, understand others, to know your limitations and for asking for help. Arrogance. It’s a very selfish thing. I think people become too self-centered in life. Faith is important, even if it’s not the same as mine. The way people humble themselves and serve others. I think it’s important that people understand their faith even if it’s not anything. I value people being able to search for things. For wisdom, identity, for places in the world. When people stop searching is when they start forgetting their full potential. I think for the most part people are doing the best they can. Me looking in, I don’t know their circumstances. That being said, I think that some individuals choose to not value their circumstances so they feel like they shouldn’t do anything. So then they remain stagnant. The whole nature versus nurture plays a part.
I believe what I believe today because of August 14, 2014- the day my entire world paused yet started. Months and months later, I finally got diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury due to a car accident. Finding this out and what was wrong, I finally had a reason to be who I was at the time. From my experiences I would want people to know that their world is as big as you make it to be. I feel like people get stuck and don’t do enough exploring and adventuring and exploring themselves. Also, happiness is not always the goal. Happiness is not always the answer. It’s not always the answer and sometimes being sad is what you’re supposed to feel. In place of happiness I would put fulfillment. This should be a goal but not the ultimate answer. I want people to have hope for the world and for things to go right, but also for themselves. For them to be resilient in situations and bounce back from things. One of my favorite psychology ideas is “posttraumatic growth”. It’s like the flip side of how you can deal with life. In addition to hope, giving grace. It isn’t a big thing but it should be. The full definition of it is lost. To make people feel worthy and just special would make the world so much of a better place. I would hope that it would be a chain reaction. Then hopefully the world is better for it.
