I was moved because it’s not easy to let people in
When I was younger, I was taught that I was unloved, unworthy, and that my life didn’t matter. My siblings and I essentially grew up in the foster care system; we were separated from our biological parents at the age of 4 or 5, where we were then adopted by a family who did not provide our most basic needs, while simultaneously verbally and emotionally abusing my siblings and I. After about ten years of enduring the abuse from our initial adoptive parents, I was placed with the foster care parents that I have today; I was separated from my little sister, and my older brother has moved onward from foster care. Since that traumatic time in my life, I have carried the pain in the form of shyness, social anxiety, and anxiety in general.
As I continue to walk forward with the pain of the past riding on my shoulders, I think of the people who have made an impact on me. One person especially comes to mind, and that is my English teacher from the 8th grade – Ms. B (in order to maintain confidentiality, she will be referred to as “Ms. B”). Before I was removed from my first adoptive family, Ms. B asked me if I was okay one day during school and I couldn’t hold in the pain any longer. I let it all out and she did what she thought was best for me. She hugged me. She made me feel safe; she made me feel like someone cared for me. She even encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and join the talent show that year. As I performed by playing piano in front of the school, she was cheering me on. She gave me the support and love that I needed to continue trekking onward. To this day, I know that she is proud of me and wants the best for me. Ms. B wasn’t the only positive influence in my life – another example would be the foster parents that I have today D. and L. They provide so much love – they gave me the support I needed to get through high school and start working on my college career. Additionally, when I first came to SPU, I was still in survival mode: I was isolating myself, skipping meals, not sleeping, and ruminating about depressing things – it usually left me feeling really anxious and depressed. But, when I started sharing my story at SPU, I expected people to respond with pity, but in reality, people responded with so much love and empathy. For them to be accepting of my story, I was moved because it’s not easy to let people in, especially people who come from broken homes.
When people see me for the first time, they don’t know me and they don’t know my story, but that doesn’t stop them from making a first impression of me, and that frustrates me because I am so much more than what they see. For instance, at first, I may seem like a really quiet, soft spoken, reserved, introverted or shy person. But, that is because I am more comfortable around people who know me. Since coming to SPU, I’ve been learning to open the doors to my story and they keep getting wider and wider; I used to hide behind closed doors. There was a point in time where the world seemed hostile towards me and my siblings, and I resented the world. But, as I have seen and continue to see this different side of the world, I continue to step into it. Despite how difficult it can be to open up and be vulnerable with new people, I want to continue sharing my story so that one day, I can work to help the children stuck in the social injustice in this world. I want to get to know those children and make them feel loved. I didn’t get any of that growing up, however, but I don’t want these children to have to go through the same thing I did – they deserve better than that. They deserve to know that they are loved.
