I’ve kept on going

My name is Rachel and I am 21 years old from Costa Mesa, California. I’m majoring in English because I love analyzing ideas, talking with others about concepts/ideas, and experiencing parts of the world through the words people have chosen to tell stories. At this point, I don't know what I will do after college. I have many ideas about what I could do with English after I graduate but feel like I don't have enough experience in the different jobs I would want to do. Because of this, I hope to explore these jobs after college. I have always been drawn to learning and teaching, so I have thought about teaching English to high schoolers. I would love to inspire others, help aid people to understand complex ideas, and to promote diverse thinking in those at a young age. I've always felt a desire to promote diverse, open thinking. This is because I grew up in a conservative evangelical community that did not allow me to explore ideas different from the ones presented to me. I felt like they created a distance between me in the small community and the world. This caused me to fear trying new things and new experiences. I don't want others to experience the same fear I did, so I think it would be nice to spark intrigue and challenge people to ask why they think what they do.

I would perceive myself as being resilient. It is one of the personality traits that I value highly in myself. Resilience means, I’ve found, that over time I’ve kept on going even though I’ve been confused about a lot of things and felt lost at times. I try to remind myself to keep doing what I think I need to do and try my best to treat others well. I felt like that has carried me through and made me strong. I think I value my resilience the most because I’ve been taken advantage of a lot, and I think it’s amazing that I’m still able to find the motivation and reasons to be kind to others. Besides my resilience, I would also say a big part of what’s guided me to where I am now is my fear. My fear says that there’s something wrong with me that’s broken on the inside. It tells me that no matter how hard I try, I will always hit a wall, being incapable of doing the things that I want, because I don't have the strength or courage to do them. I also fear that everyone would leave me because they think I’m terrible. Part of this fear has been due to my upbringing; I was taught that I couldn’t trust myself or my own intuition because I was too young and naïve. I was told I couldn’t think for myself. Another part of this fear has been due to my abandonment issues.

Due to all of these diverse aspects of myself that have made me who I am now, I would say that I want people to see me as someone who loves them, because although I know I can’t help everyone or be the right person to help everyone, I want people to have a glimpse that someone understands them and believes in them and wants the best for them. I believe that when people first look at me they think of me as too serious and snobby, because I’m quiet and I will only speak when I’m sure and since I am sure about what I’m saying, it may seem like I think that I know everything.