The most important thing was I learned to accept myself.
I grew up in a different kind of household, where things could have been better. My father acted in very controlling ways. My parents had difficult upbringings, and this affected the way they raised us. My family has been through a lot as a result. Growing up, I had no idea of the gravity of what was going on around me - we never really talked, or when we did we didn’t really listen (or really know how). Silence and fear became normal feelings for me. I felt like I needed to make sure I was in control of my actions, so I could ensure I and others were safe. I believed that if I didn’t do it right, something bad was going to happen. When I did inevitably make mistakes, I never felt loved – my worth was tied to my performance and actions (shame). I felt like everything was my fault because if my actions led to that outcome, then I had full responsibility. I don’t think anyone should feel that way. I think trying to get everything right often means you aren’t letting yourself learn or grow; it meant I was afraid.
Coming to college and getting some space from my family has been a positive experience, I’ve discovered that there is a different world outside of my family. People can “get over” stuff, forgive, and move on; I was able to slowly let go of my fear. It’s been hard for me to do new things because I have worrying mindset of “I don’t know what’s going to happen” - I’m always trying to think of what could go wrong instead of learning from it. But I’m learning that I’m valid enough to think the way I do, even when I make mistakes. People can and do like me for who I really am, but the most important thing was I learned to accept myself.
It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’ve now gained perspective on my past. Even though a lot of it was messy and bad, there was good in it. I had relationships with my siblings and my parents, despite our fights and struggles. I had the opportunity to grow up on a farm and witness wildlife in a different way. I played outside in our hayfields, saw the seasons change all around me, and made some precious memories. My past with my family taught me to value others. My experiences help me listen to other people. I’m still learning things, but I’ve come to realize that God uses our stories for good.
